It wasn’t until my forehead touched the cold porcelain for the umphteenth time thst I realized ...
I’m pregnant ! I shivered in shook and trembled in fear, I didn’t know what to expect but I was ready for it. I’d recently admitted that I did indeed want kids and it seemed like Spirit blessed me right away.
But in 6 weeks time, it all was taken away. I was able to see you for the first time on January 28, 2020. I saw you. I knew you were inside of me but it’s true that it all changes when you actually see your baby. Ppl look at me funny when I say baby bc they swear you aren’t anything when you’re so new but to me, you were my baby.
“Um.. I don’t see any blood flow inside the fetus.. and there’s no heartbeat. But sometimes 6 weeks is too early to find the heartbeat bc the fetus is so small so I’m going to make you an appointment for next week to check again because it can start beating tomorrow. Although I would suggest that you go to the er so they can check your levels and see if everything is okay, again I am sorry but don’t get too down because things change”
My first time seeing you was also my last time.
The nurses at the hospital were kind and empathetic towards me. I walked in in tears and as I sat through every test, the rims of my eyes filled up but I couldn’t release. I prayed so hard that god found me good enough to keep you with me, I made promises that would’ve been hard to keep if I didn’t have you to fight for. My prayers were answered because they told me they found your heartbeat, they told me everything was okay but I’d be lying if I said I believed them. Something in my spirit couldn’t believe my ears no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that the words they spoke were true.
A few days later, on January 30th to be precise. I had a dream that I had to pee and when I wiped I saw blood, I panicked so bad in my dream that I woke up and made myself pee so I could wipe but thank god there was no blood. That night shook me and I felt like it was probably confirmation of what I’d been feeling but I was in denial too cause I just wanted to be wrong so bad. Sooooo bad I wanted to be wrong about losing you.
3:00a on 1/31/21 I was so mad that I woke up outta my sleep because it was so hard to fall asleep when you were with me. I peed, wiped and saw pink. My heart dropped into my stomach so fast because even though pink spotting was said to be okay , again my spirit knew it was bad. I frantically called your daddy at work and cried while waiting for a call back. I woke up and was scared to pee because i just wanted this to be a bad dream. It was brown. Maybe it was old blood from my last period. Right? Right?!
Your daddy got home from working a 16hr shift to me, the emotional wreck. He tried to soothe me and tell me anything could be going on, not always something bad. He hugged me and rubbed me, consoling me to the best of his ability. I stood there in front of him in just my underclothes. Crying and crampIng. Silently praying these were the right kinda cramps.
2/1/21.. I got up early with daddy for work. The night before I cried and prayed for us all and I told myself I’d be okay with anything that happened. I spoke too soon because soon after daddy left for work, my bladder kicked in. This time it was bright red with small clots like I was on my period. I cried so hard on the toilet only able to text daddy a picture of the tissue. My heart couldn’t process what was happening but I knew something was wrong. I rushed myself to the ER and they weren’t as kind at all and nothing felt warm. They ran their tests and ultrasounds and I knew from their faces that it was all over. When he told me, I couldn’t breathe, I shook terribly. I cried so hard for you. For daddy. I cried for myself. I felt like I was being punished for my past.
I knew the first day I saw you would be my last and now I’m home and waiting for you to pass. I think it’s inhumane how this process goes, I asked for the pills but they said “oh no, it has to start first” so until it starts I have to act like I’m okay. I have to smile even though I’m not sure if I should be smiling. I have to go on with my days like there’s not a deceased fetus inside of me waiting to be rejected completely by my body. I don’t know how I’m suppose to feel I’m not sure if I’ve processed it. The thing that hurts most is all the tell tell symptoms are gone as quick as they came.
You will always be a part of me. Jasper Smith. I gotta give you a name bc you had a heartbeat even if it was just for a day.
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