Healing with me.
“I don’t want kids, ima be that auntie” I lied.
Been up and down all night, meaning in and out of sleep. Last week it was because of my sciatic nerve pains and this week my partner has the same thing going on in his neck. As strong as men are pain is pain and it turns them into a baby quick. Imagine Taurus stubbornness mixed with baby. Yea uh huh. Lol whew.. but I had something else on my heart.
But first..Thank you to everyone who read my first entry of this mini series, and special thanks to those that commented. I’m all about interaction, I’m serious when I say HEAL WITH ME. If you can relate, comment and share, either will work.
Back to the subtitle. “I don’t want kids, ima be that auntie...” I lied.
I can’t recall a time in my life when I was super big on becoming a mom. Ya know like most little girls say they want kids but I can’t recall myself saying it. I might’ve, I wouldn’t doubt it bc I played with my cabbage patch dolls and I played “House” with my sisters and cousins. I just don’t think the yearning was deep.
Then as time went on, the older I got in my teenage years, I wasn’t the type of girl guys wanted to have a baby by. I was promiscuous and I guess that’s why. In my first real relationship I was 17 going on 18 and I wanted a baby. I thought I wanted to marry the guy I was with. That relationship was toxic on both sides but somehow God saw fit to attempt to bless that union with a pregnancy. A few weeks of pregnancy that didn’t produce a child, just a traumatic few weeks that still effect me today. I didn’t almost die on the table or anything, wait. Pause. I skipped a part.
While that pregnancy was welcomed with open arms things changed a few weeks in. I made the decision to get an abortion. Abortion was really the best option for that situation as hard as it is to admit it. When I chose to have that procedure I chose myself for the first time in a long time. It was painful emotionally and mentally though. I had my procedure on March 31,2009 and had to sit and watch my sister have a c-section on April 2,2009. Did I want my child? Yes. Could I have kept my child? Absolutely. But I knew what I was capable of and I didn’t see myself being alive to raise my child. I was also afraid of being a single mom. But sitting there hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like my face was being smushed in my choice. That bothered me so deep that I really think I had Postpartum after my sister gave birth. I couldn’t look at my nephew for a few weeks after she had him. I didn’t want to be bothered by him or with him. But it wasn’t intentional.
The night I had my abortion, I called the would be father and a female answered the phone. At that moment my heart was broken. I started wondering WHY NOT ME? Like what am I doing that’s making him do this? After that situation ended, I don’t think I was “whole” like it took so much from me. Especially in the mothering department. Every situation that followed I feel like the men wanted me to know that I wasn’t good enough to have their child. They would have kids, the bm be a hot ghetto mess and they still acted like pre cum was the devil and I was his daughter. So I started saying I didn’t want kids. Friends started having kids and it was bittersweet bc as much as I wanted the same, I was scared to admit it bc I didn’t want a bad reaction from the man. I would go out my way to act uninterested in kids. I helped raise my nephews and while that was an eye opening 10 years lol I really started saying I didn’t want them but deep down, I did.
Fast forward 2020
The first thing that I noticed about my boyfriend when we first started talking was his love for his babies. The way this man face lights up when he talks to them is something amazing. I really loved that about his first. So seeing him like that overtime made me possibly want the same with him. He made it clear he didn’t want anymore kids when we started talking lol 😂 like crystal clear lol. I respected it, I still do but 😏.
I had the privilege of meeting his babies and that weekend was an eye opener for me. He must’ve seen a look in my eyes while we were out with them during that day because he told me “Something been bothering you all day” I broke down and told him how I wanted kids but never felt like I was good enough bc of the things ppl said to me.
After I announced my advocacy for herpes, dudes really started acting funny. One man “fell in love” with me but told me he couldn’t be with me bc I couldn’t give him kids naturally. Without them being “sick” . THAT FUCKED ME UP. A few months after that I was diagnose with HPV and I was REALLLLLLY sad bc I just knew I was really never gonna have a baby. HPV came from dealing with my ex and I had to get a piece of my cervix cut off and biopsied. All is well but after that HE really was anti me getting pregnant. One time I thought I was pregnant by him and he had a fit. Told me I was spiteful and evil and he didn’t want me to have his child. He said pregnancy wouldn’t make him love me anymore and he would get custody. Now, I wasn’t innocent in this situation. I did spiteful shit TO HIM but I would never bring a child into that bs. A girl popped up pregnant by him and he was elated. Still messing with me though. I stayed bc I was stupid smh . When I did leave I found out he was trying to get multiple girls pregnant while dealing with me so again I felt WHY NOT ME.
Back to 2020 lol
When my boyfriend and I had that talk after I met his kids, I cried so hard. I cried for a long time and he was there. He listened and he really consoled me. He assured me that there is noun in wrong with me. I felt like I needed him to say this, I’m not sure why but I felt relieved. Now when we’re out I openly gush over baby clothes or a coworkers child. I had a reading with my family medium a few months ago and he told me my man isn’t ready for more kids and I have to heal my MOTHERING line before I’ll be able to conceive. He said I have to heal my inner child. Apart of me broke off at 3/4 years old when my parents broke up and she’s still holding a doll crying. So I have to heal her. I have to do the shadow work and confront all the demons of the situations. I’ve written a letter to my unborn , Dallas. I pray he forgives me.
I hope I didn’t ramble, I hope it all makes sense and if it does, can you relate? Leave a comment, like and share ..
Thank youuuuu 💜
KTS
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