Heal with Me - mini series “I am my mothers child”

Healing with me- a mini series I am my mothers child. My earliest childhood memory is me being super attached to both my parents. It really just depended on who I was with at the time. But since my sister and I lived with my mom, I was closer to her. I slept in her bed until I was like ten. I had my own bed but in the middle of the night I would literally get out of my bed and get in hers. Sometimes I was met by a locked door though so I couldn’t get in. Even after that I was still super close to my mom. From a young age I was told I had a smart mouth. Truth is I had my mothers mouth and that irked her from jump. I can only remember a handful of times that I was purposely disrespectful or talking smart but I assure you I wasn’t one of those kids that cussed their parents out. I knew my momma would run up on me if I tried that as a teen but it got frustrating when I got in my late teens. At this point it shouldn’t even have been considered talking smart, I would simply be responding. Not in the eyes of my elders though. Even though I watched my mom talk to and curse at my granny growing up. So I never fully overstood how I was being disrespectful. I am literally my mothers child. From my looks to my wits, I am her. And she can’t stand it. I sometimes feel like she doesn’t like me. I feel like I’m intentionally picked at because she knows I’ll say something back and that adds fuel to her fire. I haven’t really felt her love since I was little. I can’t tell you the last time I hugged my mom or the last time she told me she loved me. None of this use to bother me aside from the arguing and feeling like the black sheep until now. Because I want to be a mother. I have to break generational curses because my mom wasn’t able to. I have to break generational curses so my child won’t seek outside validation bc I’ll be there to give it to her. I really believe I seek validation from society because my parents didn’t give it to me. Yes my parents! I am my fathers daughter as much as I am my mothers child - my parents were two hurt people reproducing. My father is equally at fault. He lacked big time in the years that I needed a man the most. I can’t change my past but I believe things would’ve been a tad bit better had I known about boys. Asides from “if you have sex you gone get pregnant” Nobody gave me the talk. Nobody told me that boys would say just about anything to get your virginity. Nobody told me “if a nigga force himself on you or keeps going when you say stop it’s rape and ima kill him” I NEVER FUCKING HEARD IT! I didn’t have a big brother so my daddy was suppose to be a daddy plus more. Don’t get me wrong he was/is a great man and loving father but when I needed my FATHER, I had a daddy that was worried bout living his life and finding love again. He wasn’t worried about the teenage trial and errors my sister and I were going through. I also never really looked at my parents the same after they insisted and guilt tripped me to move in with my older sister to help with her kids. There was no reason why I shouldn’t have had a room at one of their homes instead of being forced to live with my sister. It took them years to see that after the first few years it was a bunch of selfish shit going on. On everybody parts. But even after that, my teenage years, I still clinged to my father and my mom. Even though almost every time my mom and I conversed there was an argument. It never failed. It wasn’t until my late twenties that I opened my eyes and seen my dad for the man he is. I forget what we were talking about but he said “My family wants to spend the holiday with my family” meaning my step mom and siblings wanted to spend the holiday with his side of the family. That was the day my dad broke my heart. That’s when it set in that I had a family but they all had their own families ... except me. But my refusal to bring a child into dysfunction is real. And this is not an entry bashing my parents because I now know that they did the best they could. My expectations weren’t too high but they are what I’ll instill within myself while raising my own child. Wait. I think that’s where the issues arise. Our parents were programmed to RAISE us. I’m not sure if they were ever NURTURED. Like some were and it shows in y’all but a lot of our parents were not. They were literally raised how Denzel Washington raised his son on “Fences” (see trailer below) Fences Teaser Trailer (2016) - Paramount Pictures If you listen to what he says I think it’s evident that a lot of our elders were raised and taught this method of parenting. Back when I was in denial about wanting kids, I didn’t allow my nurturing ways to flourish but once I started dating my now boyfriend, I became QUEEN NURTURER. I always want to make sure he’s good. I wanna take care of little things for him etc. and that’s the type of mother I want to be. That’s the type of mother I’ll be! I’m going to correct every thing I can. My future really depends on it. I feel a lot better now that I’ve written this and again, I am NOT BASHING MY PARENTS. I am simply speaking on my feelings and if it offends anyone, you’re selfish and keep it to yourself. Thank you for reading :) remember, comment below if you can relate or just wanna chat 😊 KTS