Reclaiming MY Magik 💜✊🏾

Reclaiming My Black Girl Magik

Living and Thriving with HSV2

Written by: Kiera Thomas (@kaytanaewroteit)
(Writers Note: The ONE thing I love about my story is the fact that it’s MINE. ONLY I KNOW HOW TO TELL IT. You may not agree with what’s written but don’t disrespect it)

Suspects Name: Herpes Simplex Virus 2 aka HSV aka “That SHIT’ aka “The Virus” aka “The H”

​Herpes Simplex Virus 2 aka HSV2 is said to usually effect your genital areas. Now, I have recently found out that although MY HSV2 is STRICTLY genital, some people have it orally, so that alone shows how complicated this virus really is. Oral Herpes is usually found in or around the mouth, cold sores are the biggest giveaway. Both can be extremely painful, embarrassing and A LOT to handle. BUT I PROMISE YOU, YOU CAN HANDLE IT QUEEN (KING).

​I was diagnosed with HSV2 when I was twenty three years old. I remember the day vividly, I even remember the night before it happened. That was a terrible night. I’d been up arguing with “he whom shall remain nameless” for a few hours, tears streaming down my cheeks because I really couldn’t understand why he did the things he did. Little did I know that next day, my life would be changed forever. After finally calming down, I was able to get some rest. The next morning when I woke up. Everything seemed normal. My nephews cried loud and right on time, like they did every morning. I got out the bed and walked to the bathroom to relieve myself and take care of my hygiene. When I sat on the toilet and started peeing, I was hit with a stinging pain. I jumped off the toilet, I couldn’t even finish using it, that’s how painful it was. 

​Now at the time, I was in school to be a medical assistant and we had JUST gone over STD/STI’s so when I felt that pain, I knew almost immediately what it was. Did I want to believe? HELL NO! I remember I called my best friend at the time to tell her what was happening and she assured me that nothing was wrong, it was just a hair bump. “If you got it, I’ll buy you Denny’s... your favorite meal from there” We laughed about it for a minute, I had to calm myself down, even though in my gut I knew the real. I rushed to the emergency room because I didn’t feel like going through the motions for an appointment in the overcrowded clinic. I sat in the waiting room, looking around, mentally preparing myself for the worst. It took the doctor all of ten seconds to diagnose me and when she did, she made it seem like no big deal. “Oh its way more common than you think” I remember I looked at her real crazy and I wanted to say “WTF that mean to me though?” but I didn’t. I couldn’t say anything. In that moment I was numb, scared, disgusted, confused and more than anything I was pissed.

​I’m not going to sit here and act like I’m innocent because I am not. I’ve been “around the block” and what not but I protected myself. I trusted “he whom shall remain nameless” more than anything because when we met, he showed me a shoebox full of STD results and they were all negative. For everything EXCEPT HERPES. Back then, I didn’t know that the doctor wouldn’t test you for HSV2 unless you had an outbreak. I walked home from the emergency room that day. I cried almost every step of the way, I felt so nasty. I didn’t want nobody looking at me, I didn’t want to talk to nobody, and I was literally a mess. But I knew I had to tell him.

Disclosure & Support

“I have HERPES”

​I sat in my home for a few hours, crying and finding comfort in only my best friends and my family. I didn’t want anybody else to know, I really felt terrible. As terrible as I felt, I was more pissed than anything. I trusted him. I didn’t care about all the rumors I heard about him being “an Eastside ratchet”, because I just knew that he was a man of his word. CLEAN. When I finally contacted him, it was through text. My adrenaline went into the overdrive the moment he replied and said that he “got tested last month and didn’t have anything” I WENT OFF. My fingers type a million words per minute, I had so much to say because even though I was just as much to blame, his denial sent me over. He decided to pull up on me later on that evening. 

​I was scared to go to his car, even more afraid to sit down in his front seat when he pulled up. Until I looked over at him and saw the tears building up in his eyes. After the first one slipped, the levee broke. All you could hear were apologies. Lots and lots of apologies but none of that shit was making me feel any better. My life was over, or so I thought. I knew that having this virus was going to life changing. I was afraid of what the future held for me. After he cried all he could cry, he left me with promises of being there and helping me through this situation since it was the both of ours. He lied.

​The following days turned into weeks and I had to beg and literally cry for him to give me the time of day. The first few days he was present but after that he must’ve realized that he wasn’t going to actually have an outbreak so he was free to move on with his life. He did just that. So while I tried to find myself after the whole heartbreak herpes ordeal, I came in contact with a few other people. I told one of my close females friends about the virus, in confidence. I didn’t know she would later tell a friend that would tell the world. So imagine my surprise when one day as I’m scrolling down Twitter I receive a tweet stating that I have herpes and my friend told her other friends. My entire life STOPPED all over again. It felt exactly like the moment I was diagnosed. If I could’ve hidden, I would’ve but you can’t hide from what’s going to be accessible for ever. I was mentally and emotionally distraught because I was afraid of the backlash. I thought my previously lovers would catch wind and try to kill me for not telling them. I was really spooked but I made it through that situation. It took a few days to calm down but I was able to ignore it for the most part. But imagine my surprise when it happened all over again a few years later. 

​The second time I was exposed online it was by yet another person I thought was my friend. I had never been intimate with this man, so one would wonder why he even did such an evil thing. And to be completely honest, he still doesn’t know why he did it, or at least that’s what he said when he came into my job unknowingly a few years ago. I didn’t have too much to say to him because before he exposed me, we were really close. We played with the idea of being together but things never worked out but I never had any bad feelings towards him, clearly couldn’t say the same about him. I remember the day like it was yesterday, I was relaxing waiting to get up for a job interview I had scheduled and I received a text. It was from my little cousin and included was a screen shot. “KIERA THOMAS IS FROM COMPTON IS IN HOUSTON POPPING THAT HOT HERPES PUSSY” If I could’ve found my voice, I would’ve screamed. I panicked, this WAS NOT happening to me again. I really couldn’t believe it. I tried to contact him and to my surprise he was actually pissed at me. For what? I still do not know but now I don’t care to know. 

​As you can see, disclosure goes both ways. I’ve disclosed to some people and it made them respect me more. But I have also disclosed to others that have made me feel lower than ever. The stigma of this virus is so real people. It hurts. It actually hurts more than the actual virus. I remember recently I disclosed to a guy that has been trying to be with me for years and he acted as if he was okay with it. But one day he showed his true colors. “So a nigga gone have to $&*$ you through the hole in my boxers to be safe huh?” I don’t know why he thought that was something cool to say but it was really a turn off. It’s hard enough disclosing so to disclose and be told something like that, as a joke, as if I am now a joke because of the virus, it’s just distasteful. 

​There are a million ways to disclose and YES, disclosing is very important. It’s super scary but imagine not being given the option? It would hurt you even more, I know from experience. However, there are certain ways you can make it easier on yourself. Ease into the conversation or if you’re a creative like me, write a story about it and let some read it and see their reaction. I actually wrote a novel and mimicked a character after me. A few people caught it but many still haven’t but that was my first step of publically disclosing. I chose to go public because I refuse to have this hanging over my head any longer. January 2018 is when I did a live interview on IG LIVE with @COLLEGEDAZEMEDIA about living with herpes. I was sooooo scared but the response was amazing. So many people sent me well wishes and praising my confidence but what they didn’t know was that I was scared shitless and they were the ones to rebuild my confidence. And THAT is how I began reclaiming my MAGIK. 

​My support system is also why I’ve been able to be public with this. If I didn’t have the friends and family I have, I would most definitely be depressed. A few of my friends didn’t find out until I did the live interview and they were so surprised. A few of them even apologized because they may have said something mean about herpes in the past and never knew it hurt me. That happened a lot. Especially when Usher came out with it. Oh they had all the jokes and I was unable to sit back and be quiet so I tried to speak up without coming out but that didn’t last long. If I have to put myself at the forefront of this battle with this stigma then I will, every single time. Just so someone else will be able to come out or just live comfortably in their skin. I also a part of a pretty AWESOME organization, HANDS. These people make sure I always feel beautiful and more than HERPES.

Triggers, Outbreaks and the Emotions

​A trigger is something that causes the outbreak to take place. Everybody is different so the triggers vary as well. My triggers are lack of sleep, excessive stress or anxiety, too much sex and chocolate. I might have other triggers that I haven’t figured out yet but those are the main ones. I also get the tingles, a lot of people do. My legs will begin to tingle and sometimes my skin becomes sensitive to touch and that’s how I know an outbreak is coming as well. When I was diagnosed, I was given Acyclovir. It’s the generic Valtrex but it works the same. Here’sanother tricky part. If you don’t catch your tingles or triggers right away and take the medication, it will not work. Which is why most people use their medication as suppressant therapy, taking it every day. Once an outbreak is active, there’s nothing you can do to make it go away. You literally have to allow it to run its course. You can use certain herbs and oils to soothe the discomfort but that’s about it. Some of my favs to use are the following:

• Tea Tree Oil - DILUTE it or you will be in more pain from the burn. But I usually dilute it with another carrier oil and use a cotton ball to apply it to my sore.

• Blow Dryer- I know it sounds crazy but when I have outbreaks down below, I air dry. I don’t like touching them with my dry off towel because it honestly hurts. It’s an open sore (ulcer). So I use a blow dryer on low on that area. It’s very helpful because it assists withdrying out the sores. A dried out sore is a healed sore. (HOWEVER EVEN WHEN YOUR OUTBREAK IS HEALED, I ADVISE YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM SEXUAL CONTACT BECAUSE THE VIRUS IS STILL ACTIVATED IN YOUR SYSTEM FOR UP A WEEK AFTER THE OUTBREAK.

• Bath Teas/ Bath Soaks – NATURAL herbs in pouches with Epsom salt and Himalayan sea salt are very helpful as well. Just soak away your stress and watch your body do the rest.

• Tea bags – YES you can use a tea bag. Act like you’re making tea and after you drink the tea (or throw it out) you can use the actual tea bag as relief to an outbreak sore. Peppermint tea works best for me.

• Lysine- OTC check at rite-aid etc.

• Cotton underwear

• Loose fitting clothes

The emotional effects of the virus are probably the hardest thing for me to deal with. Mainly because I am already an emotional being but HSV2 makes me super sensitive at times. When I have an outbreak I sometimes go into a dark place. It’slike the first day all over again. Those feelings of disgust and embarrassment resurface. I tend to stay to myself or sometimes that’s when I advocate the most. I’m more vocal with pain I guess. People who don’t have the virus will probably never understand the full extent of the emotional and mental warfare. It’s like you’re sad because you have herpes, mad because you’re having an outbreak and disgusted that it’s even present in your body. THE MOTIONS. One thing I can say that helps is FRESH AIR AND PRAYER (meditation). You really have to chill all the way out! 

Protection and Precaution

​I wish I could tell you that using protection will stop you from getting HSV2 but I won’t even lie to you. Studies have shown that even with using protection, the virus is still transmitted through direct skin to skin contact with an infected area. For instance, if we’re dry humping and I have a sore on my inner thigh and you touch it, you can be infected. It’s that easy. It’s that complicated but you have to be that much more careful. The only precautions I can give is for you to think before you leap. You will not be able to tell if someone has Herpes unless they are having an oral or genital outbreak, even then some genital outbreaks are mistaken for “hair bumps” so you really just never know. You are always taking a chance, no matter what. Just make sure the person is worth all of that. If you know for a fact you have the virus, PROTECT YOURSELF AND GIVE OTHERS AN OPTION! DISCLOSE! 

Reclaiming MY Magik

​The day I did the interview on IG LIVE was the day I literally snatched my life back. I was on a high. I felt unstoppable. Now there was nothing anybody could say about me that I didn’t already put out there. That was really one of the best feelings. I just want you all to know that it is very much possible to reclaim your life. Herpes ran my life from October 15, 2011 till January 2018. I literally hid from myself and others when it came to the virus. The best thing I did was step out on faith and tell my story. With that being said, this is MY STORY. Every story differs, I just hope I sparked the mind of someone out there thinking it’s the end of the world. It’s not baby, I promise. There is life and love after Herpes, believe me, I’veexperienced it. But one thing Herpes taught me was that if YOU DO NOT LOVE YOURSELF, YOU WILL FAIL. Self-worthand self-love is very important. Your worth does not decrease when you infected with HSV, no matter what people say. There are worst things out there but the stigma that HSV has is one that is very stubborn but I hope one day it goes away. With my help and advocacy of course J

KT