Heal with me - I forgive me
For a long time I didn’t know I had to forgive in order to heal or get over things. I also didn’t know the main person I needed to forgive was myself. I took responsibility for my actions in situations but I didn’t forgive myself for being in those situations. I say that because I knew better than to do a lot of shit that I did. I knew when the time was up on certain things BUT I stayed anyway and basically hurt myself even more.
After a while, I forgave myself. I wrote myself an apology because I deserved it. I needed to know why I did what I did and didn’t do. I needed to tell myself sorry for all the pain that was self inflicted majority of the time. I accepted my own apology and the apologies I never got from others. Thinking about it now though, people really don’t think they’re wrong sometimes and I know this to be true. We’re all humans so I guess that’s why they tell us to forgive and move on.
And that goes for all types of relationships and friendships. I’ve had some great friendships end on bad notes and apologies were never exchanged. But somehow I moved on from those situations. I forgave every one that has done me wrong in any way. I learned that holding on to shit makes you miserable. It’s a terrible feeling.
I feel like I rambled on this but I’ll come back and edit if I did lol I had a lot to say when I started this particular entry but my mind went blank. Ventured off into the world of “Omgsh” shit started clicking. You can think you’ve forgiven someone but you really haven’t wholeheartedly done it. My medium told me that a few months ago. He also said I hold a lot of shame. Shame for the things I’ve done or the situations I’ve found myself in. I thought I forgave myself years ago but he let me know that I did not. I hadn’t forgiven myself for my part in my abortion and that was damn near 12 years ago. I never knew I was holding on to that. But I finally told myself sorry. I cried so hard Omgsh I remember it vividly. I woke up feeling much better and my personal life shifted. If you read my previous entries you’d know that I made myself think I didn’t want to be a mother. But once I forgave myself for my part played, I feel like my maternal shit was activated. I love writing bc while you write you remember certain things and see progress. If that makes sense. Lol.
Well that’s all I got.. I’ll be back soon. 2020 is almost overrrrrrrr
—KTS
Healing with me I brought my old issues into my new relationship. When my boyfriend and I were still in the talking stage, I told him everything like EVERYTHING. But the minute we got closer I kinda closed off. I didn’t do it intentionally but I just didn’t want to ruin what we were building by being too open. In my last situation, I couldn’t fully be open. I couldn’t express my feelings bc it was always too much. I couldn’t tell my entire truth because it didn’t fit into the box. So when I came into my new one, I made sure I didn’t do any of those things. Not realizing how much my current partner needed those parts of me to be visible. I showed him the parts that I wasn’t scared of showing. The parts that avoided conflict and just made us have “happy days” One thing I didn’t know is that I was hurting my new man. He has never made me feel anything less than secure but I still had a wall. One that I couldn’t explain until early one rising while lying in bed with my love.
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