Skip to main content

Heal with me ( a mini series)

Healing with me


I brought my old issues into my new relationship. 


When my boyfriend and I were still in the talking stage, I told him everything like EVERYTHING. But the minute we got closer I kinda closed off. I didn’t do it intentionally but I just didn’t want to ruin what we were building by being too open. In my last situation, I couldn’t fully be open. I couldn’t express my feelings bc it was always too much. I couldn’t tell my entire truth because it didn’t fit into the box. So when I came into my new one, I made sure I didn’t do any of those things. Not realizing how much my current partner needed those parts of me to be visible. I showed him the parts that I wasn’t scared of showing.

The parts that avoided conflict and just made us have “happy days”


One thing I didn’t know is that I was hurting my new man. He has never made me feel anything less than secure but I still had a wall. One that I couldn’t explain until early one rising while lying in bed with my love. I didn’t know I was hurting him so much until I heard the pain in his voice. I didn’t know I wasn’t pouring into him the way that he does me. I thought I was pouring but my pouring was sex, love and every other thing that clearly held no weight. 


My abandonment issues make for intimacy issues that I tried so hard to ignore. It wasn’t until my love let me know he was fed up with my “act”


My life flashed before my eyes this rising as I cried my eyes out. I finally started to see what I was doing. I really brought every thing that my last made an “issue” into a brand new fresh relationship. I keep repeating it bc I really didn’t know what I was doing and now there’s pain in my heart bc I thought I was a good gf, until this rising. I finally realized my man isn’t as happy as me and I’m to blame. All because I was afraid to really start my healing. 

Can you relate? 

Labels:

Comments

  1. UnknownDecember 6, 2020 at 9:31 PM

    Yessssss!!! I can SO relate. I’m the same way. I have to make sure I keep everything light & fun to avoid any conflicts so he’ll think things are amazing and won’t think about leaving. I haven’t gotten over doing this just yet. I’m glad he was able to be vulnerable with you so that you can begin to heal and let that wall down, not only for him, but for yourself as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KiiDecember 6, 2020 at 10:21 PM

      Thank you soooo much for your comment 💜 one of my main goals is to break that habit. Idk if it’s a habit or defense mechanism at this point. It’s a bit it both. I’m so glad it was brought to my attention, it’s like I can breathe a little better ..

      Delete
  2. Black moonDecember 6, 2020 at 9:53 PM

    Childhood trauma lol. Jk but Fa real. With My new man I brought everything. I never did give him a clean slate. I assumed a lot. Til we started to get into and I started to notice what I was doing. I waS being triggered in places I didn’t heal. Places I’d usually hide from others I couldn’t hide that from him because it manifested in different ways that I didn’t particularly like. So I had to do
    A lot of shadow work on myself because I didn’t and don’t want to lose him. I wasn’t secure within myself. And I couldn’t use my sex magic on him so It was either heal or lose

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Heal with me - Free write

How you feeling? Personally I think I’m okay but I’m not sure. I keep feeling like I’m forgetting to do something and it’s driving me crazy. You know what else is crazy? How I have these visions of doing new things. Like I want to try yoga. For some reason it’s constantly on my mind and I literally see myself doing it but I never put action behind the thoughts. But when I get up, I get up. I don’t like this so I’m changing it. I always talk about being my own boss but I have yet to really start running my business. I start then I stop and wallow in self pity. And it’s really sad because I know I’m powerful beyond measure. I know I can have literally everything I want and see in my dreams. It’s all about action and cutting the excuses. The present time is always the perfect time to start a new journey. Embark on it with faith and manifest every single step. You see, I have all the motivating words so I know I’m really standing in my own way. First thing first. I need to calm my mi
Post a Comment
Read more

I forgive me. HEAL W/ME.

Heal with me - I forgive me For a long time I didn’t know I had to forgive in order to heal or get over things. I also didn’t know the main person I needed to forgive was myself. I took responsibility for my actions in situations but I didn’t forgive myself for being in those situations. I say that because I knew better than to do a lot of shit that I did. I knew when the time was up on certain things BUT I stayed anyway and basically hurt myself even more. After a while, I forgave myself. I wrote myself an apology because I deserved it. I needed to know why I did what I did and didn’t do. I needed to tell myself sorry for all the pain that was self inflicted majority of the time. I accepted my own apology and the apologies I never got from others. Thinking about it now though, people really don’t think they’re wrong sometimes and I know this to be true. We’re all humans so I guess that’s why they tell us to forgive and move on. And that goes for all types of relationships and fr
Post a Comment
Read more